Ever wonder what the meaning of life is?
Ever wonder if there is meaning in life?
Could you accept it if there wasn't?
Few could, actually
We like to believe that someone is keeping score
The devout believe their good deeds are tallied
The materialistic believe their wealth is accounted for
The brilliant believe their advances immortalize them
What if no one cares?
Why struggle on, then?
What if there is no God?
What if possessions mean nothing?
What if all landmark discoveries are forgotten?
What then?
If life has no meaning...
What truly matters?
So you sit there and laugh
Mocking yourself and your life
You seek to destroy without care
Tear down all the old dreams
For they do not matter now
Your former arrogance taunts you
Your failures ridicule your pride
You, the mighty, have fallen low
Yet still you rage against it all
Battered yet unbowed
A fiery light gleams in your bloodshot eye
And you laugh
An ugly sound
You want to kill, hurt those who hurt you
Make them pay for their crimes against you
And you will
They cannot defend against you
And they will gaze upon your face when they breathe their last
They'll search for an answer, meaning of some kind
And they'll find none, none at all
It's not that I mind, really
I mean, it's not like I have something better to do
I'm not complaining, even
But why does time seem to slow
Only when I'm in a low point in my life?
I can feel life grinding away at my soul
And cruel time slows to prolong my torture
No respite in sight
Many miles to go before I sleep
And time drags on
I'd get angry, but it does no good
So I wait, patiently
As time creeps by
Sometimes I marvel at the devices we employ
Delusions and fantasies that cloud our reality
Lies we tell ourselves to get by
Some lie more than others
You know them, the ones that have lost the truth
They fancy themselves as other than what they are
The weak imagine strength
The inconsequential invent power
The lonely create a group of friends
The failures concoct successes
All this because we don't like truth
The truth is ugly, unflattering
We don't want to admit how pathetic we can be
We don't want to know what others truly think of us
So we lie
Rage against it all
Scream your frustration to the uncaring world
Carry your hatred with you
Let it burn at your soul like acid
Kill someone to vent your rage
Try to fill your gaping hole
But you can't
So you hate
They can't see your blind need
Your innermost soul grasping for anything
Anything that will listen and understand
No one can, and no one will
You know you've been twisted by your hatred
You laugh at others' pain
You delight in their misery
Hoping you can crush them under your heel
If you can crush enough of them
Maybe you can climb out of the prison you make for yourself
So you drink your poison
Inhale your noxious chemicals
Abuse yourself as well, no regard for anyone
Til that one black day when you die
Murdered or lying bitter in some forgotten hospital bed
The nadir of a malignant existence
And not a single person will care
Who are you really?
Do you even know?
What can you say about yourself?
Explain
You can't, can you?
Oh, I'm sure you could offer some feeble words
An incomplete illustration
You're not as interesting, important, meaningful or necessary as you fancy yourself
You're not who you think you are
And you'll die without ever knowing who you are
The most you can ever hope for is to die happy
A goal few ever attain
Your life is a bleak existence
Full of missed opportunities and wasted talent
Pathetic
Just like you
He sat there dangling on a thread of sanity
Reality made no sense anymore
His violent world of fantasy beckoned to him
The call was too strong, and he dropped off the edge
Paranoid, psychotic and drug-addled
Hysterical laughter and repeated explosions
Smile into the face of death
Laugh at imminent destruction
Take out as many as he can
Make them pay for their victory in blood
Leave a mark that won't ever be washed away
Flash of white, and consciousness fades into a pool of red
I can feel it stealing over me again
Like a storm front obscuring the sun
I can feel the heaviness settle into my bones
The despondence weighting my very soul
And even as I am aware of this progression
I am powerless to halt its spread
I raise my dulled eyes to the sky
And I silently hope that the sun will shine once more
Heedless, the heavens ever darken with roiling clouds
Like the turbulent dark impulses in my heart
A cold wind blows, chilling me further
I've lost the will to fight it
I wait patiently for the depression to consume me
Leaving me battered and without faith
I trudge on, though
I refuse to let the darkness halt my march
I may falter and stumble, but I will continue
For almost forgotten in the depths of my soul
Lies the hope that the sun will return
Someday this sickness that infects my being will pass
And I will be free to live once more
I jumped off the balcony
Out over the crowd
Yet I did not fall
I hung, suspended in midair
I raged that I was not sinking into oblivion
I could not believe that fate could be so cruel
The people below were pointing and staring
Gawking at a man who did not fall
I asked why it had to be me
Why did I have to be different?
A voice answered me
Why not you?
What makes you worthy of being the same as the rest?
Do you want to be the same as they?
Or does your soul cry out to be different?
Suddenly I understood
And I drifted back to my seat in the theater
I could be content now
I no longer feel obligated to mirror the others
I can and will be who I am
So I sit in my balcony seat
And enjoy the show
Can I ever escape the prison in my head?
Do I really want to?
My thoughts are a cage that I am locked into
Fear feeds more fears until I cannot lift my head
I am buried under their crushing weight
Relentless, the fear mocks my fright
Sneers at my cowering form
I am helpless, yet I do not despair
I quietly wait until the terror passes
The door swings open on silent hinges
And I am free to roam once more
Damn, why am I not normal?
Why must I be this way?
I hate my differences
I hate the fact that I cannot conform
I hate those looks of condescension
I did not choose to be this way
I did not ask for this pain
I am not a demon
I am not some kind of stupid monster
I feel, and I hurt
Yet I cannot change
I am doomed to walk down the path I was forced upon
I have no choice
No escape from this twisted existence
Forever I must view life from this flawed perspective
Understand that this is what I am
Not who I want to be
He was a quiet type
Kept to himself mostly
Never dreamed he was hurting so bad
He'd always smile
Offer some humorous comment
Never expected such a tragic end
If only we'd known
What kept him from reaching out?
Couldn't he see that we'd try to help?
Liars
No one cares
They only say those lines afterwards
Comforting themselves and excusing their cowardice
And forget all about it, convinced they were right
But they weren't
They sit idly by and ignore the warning signs
Cause they don't give a damn
No matter what platitudes they offer
Damn them in their self-righteous denial
I am real, not some imagined figment
I rage and I sink into depression
Mired deeply, I look for someone
Someone to reach out with a branch
Anything to pull me out
Yet I cannot scream
So I silently sink into the murky depths
Kept to himself mostly
Was quite a shock
Liars
The light died in my eyes
My heart became as solid as a stone
I stopped reaching for the stars
Too numb to be bitter
Too weary to care
My short journey is over
My destination unreachable
It's getting colder now
I wrap my worn-out coat around me even tighter
I can't stop shivering
I sink to my knees
The world fades to gray
Consciousness steals away like a ghost
And I will never dream again
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