Farewell, my dear
The worries of this life that let you down
are yours no longer
your life was short
your death sudden
and no meaning can be found in it
simple ugliness, no more
I didn't know you
yet in a flash, another pillar--
something I could count on in this life--
was ripped away
Farewell, my dear
May you find the peace in death
that this life was unable to grant
godspeed
I understand your game now
And while I don't blame you for playing it,
I must decline to follow suit
It wasn't that I wasn't tempted
In point of fact, I was
But the compromise it would require
is not one I am willing to make
For beneath your dazzling smile
behind those laughing eyes
lies a cold, calculating brain
and even colder heart
I can guess how you got there
I can even sympathize--I do.
But that's as far as I will go
I will not continue with you
And I know you will think me weak
or a fool
Do not be mistaken, I see more clearly
than you realize
I know of pain, heartbreak and loneliness
they are my constant companions
I did not let them convince me
to take your path
And that divides us
And you laugh
I know more about being lonely
that you'll ever know
Who I am separates me from nearly everyone
From time to time, I encounter people
that I can share with
People who need to trust as badly as I
need to be trusted
And for a short while, we share our secrets
Inevitably the time must end
I will not say it does not hurt
But comprehension and acceptance deadens the pain
Leaving behind only a dull ache, like some kind of ghost
Not what you expected
Not even what you thought could happen
So what do you do now?
A question without an answer
You know, but you shrink from that realization
It's too harsh and you can't stomach it
Ignore it, and it still remains
One day you will accept it, because there's
no other choice
And I realize it's compassion that
makes me try to help
for wisdom tells me to remain silent
You need to learn this lesson on your own
we all do
let's hope the lesson does not crush you under its weight
9/28/97
slow burn of alcohol in my throat
i rediscover that it's not getting any better
whatever joy i had was transitory
for i am deposited into this pit again
not that this surprises me
i resigned myself to this fate years ago
and mechanically i will dust myself off and begin anew
i have no choice
i agreed never to give up
no matter how attractive it seems
i must continue to roll this boulder
up this treacherous hill
i know i will never achieve what i seek
it does not matter though
i agreed to this and i will not renege
so, i reach for the bottle of liquid lethe
and i banish the failures of today
so i can dream of a better tomorrow
9/29/97
quicksilver chameleon fading into shadows
disappears like smoke on the wings of a bitter wind
no remorse for misdeeds, for they warrant none
conscience was an early casualty
mourned no more than a fallen leaf
but far more consequential
chemicals make up for inspiration
blot out second thoughts
if any even emerge
all this for a single-minded purpose
which even its creator cannot understand
for when logic is not present in a rationale
the logical mind cannot decipher it
and all are left to wonder, speculate
yet never know why
10/8/97
it was the most amazing mind
yet somehow it went wrong
and evil twisted it
wrenching him from the noble path
plunged him into darkness
where light no longer touched his face
beyond redemption
removed from life itself
and only a tiny speck of humanity remains
cries out in the coldness and emptiness around it
for the life lost
for the damnation that binds it
for the irony of it all
for the prisoner is also the jailor
and he doesn't give a damn
10/8/97
sterile atmosphere
bland food
soft talk radio murmuring
whisper of machines
soft squeak of a nurse's soles on the linoleum flooring
indecipherable look from disinterested receptionist
life means less than it did
even if some fight for it as never before
for most give up without fighting
slipping into the quiet beyond
leaving behind memories and a cold form
off in the corner, soft weeping can be heard
even as the surgeon tries to explain
the catch in his throat stops him, and he cannot continue
on the edge of madness again
i don't dare release these feelings of mine
must keep them bottled, for no one gives a damn
and they truly don't, unless paid to
almost like consulting a prostitute in a way
rented sympathy; threadbare, trite expressions
of course, what do i expect?
someone so demented that wants to
listen to my problems?
then it's pity, not sympathy
i am not someone's project either
please, i have some pride left, after all
not as much as before, but some
been through these lines before
hell, i have walked this road before
familiarity doesn't seem to make the
trip any easier or faster though
and while i suffer, time passes
and i hate my weakness
time has passed
the fog of emotion and hot blood has lifted
and i can see who you really are
you always were small in thought and action
i am not accountable to you
and should never have been
smoldering anger remains
its heat almost obscures the ghost of pain
still in my heart
you were so wrong
and you never knew
or admitted it if you did
by rights you should acknowledge and
atone for what you have done
withdraw from your throne in that
self-centered palace where you dwell
loneliness should be your companion
and harsh criticism your only friend
i cannot even pity you
even as you pity me
you deserve what you'll get
the price of your folly
the answer i seek
11/25/97
idyllic agony
impatient for the axe to fall
got a itchin' to go somewhere
and that ain't all
tired of wastin' time
in the personal hell
there's a whole world out there
whole lifetimes pass by as well
meaning cannot be found anymore
every detail is known by heart
faces and names change
but true progression takes no part
so come, my executioner
read on priest, from your battered text
no purpose can be found in this life
better luck, perhaps, in the next
12/5/97
been lots of places
seen many people
never found as much to love or hate
as I did here in my hometown
scenes in my memory have yellowed with age
yet the pain is as sharp as it ever was
I don't miss the hurt
I certainly don't miss those days
Maybe one day I will forget
when I've been more places
and seen more people
pain in my shoulders is new
another reminder of mortality
as if I needed one more
I scratch my head
do my best to ignore it
yet it will not recede
months have passed
yet I am still here
nothing has changed
I am older, but no wiser
remaining envious of the content
needing peace in my soul
like the poisoned man needs
the antidote to the lethal concoction
boiling in his veins
all at once average
yet somehow otherworldly different
unapproachable, not understandable
yet easily classified by my contradictions
loss of virtue haunts me
the intangible nature of my ideals
sets me up for failure
I cannot reach my goal of purity
I know this
yet I struggle anyway
I know not why
save that the struggle defines my humanity
to reach for the stars
even though I will never reach them
carve my name into the stone walls
of the well I am trapped in
I will leave my mark in hell
since heaven is denied to me
time will not forget me
even as the world already does
loneliness even in crowds
overcast even on the brightest days
smile on my face as the blade falls
I expect no more of life
and it does not disappoint me
I wish I could teach the lessons
I have learned
somehow make the pain serve a purpose
make others appreciate
yet not have to experience
I cannot instruct though
for I have no right
so I remain silent
even as I observe and reflect what I see
the world passes by
and I do not change it as it moves
Someday this world's going to end
12/8/97
all this power
yet I cannot create beauty
its nature eludes me
its majesty
I am a common thing
a crude and coarse being
with no true grace of my own
flawed and imperfect
I yearn to be more
yet am doomed to fall short
for how can one change one's nature?
beauty comes from within
and my core is the realm of the dead
cold and empty
with only dust and bones
to fill the void
I ache for the light to fill it
knowing that it exists only tortures me more
I cannot alter time
I cannot make myself new
I can only wish for salvation
while I'll never see its face
1/2/98
I will spit into that great fiery eye
I will not surrender without fighting
I know I will lose
But that's not the point
I won't concede the victory
without inflicting some great damage
upon the victor
he will not be allowed to forget me
a fact that will be made permanent
by my action
I will not win this battle or this war
but I will die heroically
And my conquerer will not forget my name
1/2/98
time marches on
even as I cower beneath the rubble
and pray that I am not lost
booted feet tread on the living and dead
with equal uncare
a smile twists my face
I fight down the mad giggle in my throat
madness walks the land
and it wears our faces
I'd be horrified if it wasn't so damned funny
all that time looking for the enemy and
it was us all along
death from above?
no, destruction from within
focus is harder now
with each passing heartbeat I grow weaker
and they grow even stronger still
the army of our self-destruction
1/7/98
disembodied cry of rage and pain
as the soul is ripped from the body
leaving behind only the mind
freed from the constraints once
placed on it
now uninhibited the body becomes a machine
unburdened by regret
moral compunction
yet life is not as colorful as it was
beauty is no more
all things are merely variables
in a complex equation
things are not to be appreciated
they are to be collected, catalogued, and analyzed
and ultimately discarded