duality is a good word
    yet incomplete
there seems to be two sides to every issue
yet each converse might have its own separate alternative
on one hand I am aloof and apart
    from those people I am aware of
Even so, I want to be a part of them in an active sense
    yet I cannot
I fill the role of advisor
    but the role is a supplementary one
    not essential
I am an independent nearly objective source
    which somehow cannot enter the world I scrutinize
I might be appreciated but am not truly needed
I feel like a novelty at times
some kind of benevolent but strange creature
Something to watch and see what it'll do next
At one point this was be design
and now I cannot discard this role that I have
    made part of me
How do I remove the mantle of professional
    disinterest that I have worn for so long?
I want to be another person in the scheme,
    not someone who directs the players

1/10/98

I am a construct
not real, never real
life is a story
a bad pulp novel
with no redeeming quality
yearning for goth
yet only attaining cheese
no elegance
    no meaning
disjointed scenes of random noise
no hope
    no future
only lies and illusion

life seeps out between my fingers
the world dims
    grows colder
tears unshed lie in my eye
    regret
        that I will never again see the sun
my end unmourned
    my passing unnoticed
another blot of ink on a page
a statistic
    a number
recorded
    filed
        forgotten

Good night

vein's up
needle carves a hole into a pock-marked canvas
shining shaft of steel finds its home
plunger fires liquid dynamite into the
    very essence of life
fiery chemicals burns the soul
    as the heat sears the mind
time slows as the pulse quickens
the heart hammers out a staccato death knell
never more alive as death makes its somber
    approach with measured tread
vision blurs as inchoate euphoria flows like electricity
oblivion beckons
an open invitation to eternity
yet it cannot last
inevitably the fires burn low
and even the embers grow cold
the fallen angel crashes to earth
and the world fades to a washed-out gray
all that remains is the memory of greatness
for a fleeting moment or two

that's twice that you've made me feel
    like I was a lapse in judgement
which is definitely twice more than I allow
I can and will do better than that
I know I deserve it
I don't really know why you do it, either
except for the fact that I allowed you to
perhaps I am to blame
for I did present you the opportunity
and it shows your weakness
    for you took the bait
Hell I even knew what you were up to
    and went gamely along anyway
perhaps I have a game of my own
one that you cannot understand
I don't mind ceding a few moves
for the match is mine to win or lose
And regardless of my moves
you have lost the game
And frankly, my dear
I don't give a damn

2/15/98

plans for naught
lies I tell myself so I can sleep at night
failure or disappointment?
not sure it matters
result is the same
here I remain
lost opportunites surround me like dead soldiers
their eyes do not accuse
    yet their gaze weighs me
the burden grows heavier under each added stare
silently questioning my resolve, my worth
only the measured mechanical ticking
    of the clock can be heard
time marches on as it always does
I wait and stand resolute under the scrutiny
even as sweat beads on my brow
I will face the firing squad
    with the same acceptance
heaven or this hell awaits me
I neither know nor care which
I will be the hero or the fool
    and time marches on
    adding more dead soldiers to the ranks
expecting, hungering
seeking life itself
and I have none to give them

2/16/98

lessons learned about love
seem to be recorded in sand
no matter how precisely the words are written
the wind blows and the sand shifts
rendering the desert floor clean and flat once again

of course, the harshest lessons
are inscribed on the soul
like a scalpel slicing through flesh
the cuts are deep and ragged
and one never forgets them

strange power of attraction
like an eclipse of the sun
not to be looked at, but so tempting
fear of isolation
fascination with the flames that
scorch and burn mind and soul
leaving their ravages
    and bitter memories
no clear path
and wrong destinations abound
could stare all day at the
    bright blood glistening on that finger
but it is impossible to prevent that cut's trip
fear anger and confusion
couple with misunderstanding and impatience
passion and enthusiasm do not
allow for careful consideration
loneliness ensues and the pain lives on

control was lost long ago
this is chaos
lord knows what happened
    here tonight
or what atrocities will occur
desensitized
apathetic
shock me if you can
horror is everyday
fear is gone
for this is reality
how can I fear what I know?
this turbulent world cares not for me
and I do not feel that pain
I don't expect to matter
anymore than a random death matters to me

evil clad in innocence
so careless thoughtless and cruel
with that mask of naivete
your talons are sharp
and you have no qualms
    about stabbing them to the core
    with that smile playing on your lips
I am proof against your dark charm
even as I am powerless to halt
or understand your actions
I don't know if your cold stare
belies an even colder heart
you could just be evil behind blue eyes
insidious even as they are attractive
so perfectly crafted
I am almost caught
but chills run down my spine
    as I look at you
I cannot lose myself in you
I cannot let go
for you would destroy me
as easily and readily as the others
and that I will not allow

roll eyes in back of head
grin blood grin
know futility and accept
do not question fate
merely walk tamely
toward the guillotine
it's all so very funny in a
    macabre sort of way
I can't care
    so I don't
and this hell condemns me into another
it doesn't matter
a change of locale
not any difference in existence
so I laugh
at your recriminations
as they mean nothing to me
What can you possibly say that would
    make any difference?
I am beyond that stage where it is even relevant
    to make a conscious decision
I am simply riding the avalanche of chaos
    headed straight for oblivion
fixed grin of dark joy
    on my face
laughing all the way

4/10/98

[Author's note:  Amazing what fatigue and alcohol make the mind come up with.]